Banish Negativity: Step 2 of 3

Topic: positive communication in relationships
  _____________________________________
Stuck with a negative attitude? Attracting negative people into your life? This 3 part series gives you 3 fun, fast, and powerful strategies to create an optimistic attitude and to bring positive people into your life. Catch up on Step 1 here: Banish Negativity- Step 1 of 3
 
Step 2. React To Negatives By Giving The Opposite Positive Action.
 
If you are in the habit of giving out positive thoughts and actions to others and still receive negatives, what do you do? Here it is. Make a note. When you receive an unwarranted negative, immediately give out the opposite to someone else who needs it, in fact give it out to as many people as possible. For example:

• “If I receive unfair criticism, I will go out and give praise to anyone who needs an encouraging word.”
• “If I am treated in an unfriendly manner, I will go out and be friendly to others who need a friendly word.”
• “If I am lied to, I will double my efforts to be truthful with others.”
• “If I am ignored, I will go out and listen to those who need a supportive ear.”
• “If I am spoken to harshly, I will go out and speak softly to others in need of a gentle word.”

Note that I frequently use the phrase “go out” in the previous statements. This use makes the point that you must actively go out or seek a person or situation where you can bequeath the opposite of what you were given. Merely thinking it won’t do. To affect the energy systems around you, you must react to negatives by giving the opposite positive action.

Thanks for visiting today. Stop by for the next post,

Step 3. Changing Your Reactions To Negative Life Circumstances

_________________________________________
Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Banish Negativity: Step 1 of 3

Topic: positive communication  in relationships
_____________________________________

Dear Dr. B, …My negative attitude ruined my life. I can’t tell you how many lovers I lost due to my negativity.  All were negative people so I guess it didn’t matter…. I tried saying only positive things for a week but found I had nothing to say, which gave me even more time to plot imaginary revenge scenes. Please give me a way to break out of my negative habit. Cynical Chloe in New York     Chloe, Three fun, fast, and powerful suggestions will deliver you an optimistic attitude and invite positive folks into your life. If you carry out all three on a daily basis, you will revolutionize your life and transform both your romantic and friend relationships. Did I hear a “Yeah, but...?” Let that go and let’s hear “I’m so looking forward to change.” Let’s begin with Step 1.     1. You Get Back What You Give Out. Whatever you give out to the universe will eventually come back to you. You know this is true as you observe your own life and the lives of folks you know well. It happens time and time again.   “When I’m supportive, others support me.” “When I’m critical, others are critical of me.” “When I grumble and complain, the world seems to grumble and complain back at me.” “When I’m friendly, others are friendly to me.” TAKE A MOMENT… Think about what you give out, not just to individuals, but to the universe in general. What are you currently not receiving that you would like to receive? Give Step 1 a try and look for Step 2 in the next post. Working on positives is even more fun than plotting imaginary revenge scenarios.

_________________________________________
Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup: Step 6 of 6

Topic: intentional change for couples
_________________________________________
 

Intentional Change
 
On a rock by the edge of a pond, three frogs bask in the sunshine. Longing for a refreshing dip, one decides to back-flip into the water. How many are left?

Perhaps you think two are sitting on their rock snapping at flies while their buddy takes a swim? The correct answer is three. Our frog decided to jump, but didn’t follow through on his decision. It’s the same with couples and with each of us personally. Over and over we decide to change but don’t follow through.

This final post in Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup is on intentional change, where change is a decision followed by an intentional action. If follow through is difficult for you, tape these words to your bathroom mirror:
 

Change Is A Decision Followed By An Intentional Action.

 

If you read and discussed the previous five steps, you have completed your relationship checkup. Along the way you may have noticed a few changes you intend to make as a couple. No doubt you found a few things you wish to change as well.
 
If you like to think in terms of goals, write out the changes you intend to make and set some measurable goals. If you are an organized couple, you can even list activities to achieve each goal.

If the mention of goals sends you screaming from the room you can write out a “Things We’ve Been Meaning to Change” List. Start with the items that are important and easy to do. Ignore the ones that are easy but not important—these are time wasters.

When you’ve completed all the easy and important items, take a look at the important but difficult items. You’ll want to break these into manageable chucks. Don’t even consider the difficult and not important. Only couples who have a need for failure work on these. A one month review can help fine tune your changes.

For those who need help with setting priorities and following through on changes, I wrote an entire chapter on intentional change. You’ll find it in Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

 ____________________________

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

DR. B's Relationship Checkup: STEP 5 OF 6

Topic: sexual intimacy
_________________________________________


The therapist looked up from his note taking when Steve said, “Trying to make her have an orgasm is like trying to start my Dad’s old lawnmower. Eventually my arm...”

“If only you listened to me,” Jan interrupted, “you’d know how to please me. By the way, you’re faster than a two minute egg. Sex might be the only thing you do in record time.”

“And whose fault was that? You didn’t want me so I had to finish before you started to complain.”

Silence flooded the room as each searched for a way to change the course of the discussion. Jan responded, “I always wanted you but I got bored with the same old thing.”

Steve said, “If only we could have talked like this a long time ago.”
 
 

           STEP 5: TALK IT UP
 
1. It’s never too late to have a frank talk about your sexual relationship.

2. Exchange your views on your sexual activities, discussing both frequency and quality.

3. If changes are needed, discuss what has to happen for these changes to occur.

4. Be honest about what you’d like or what you’d like to try. To avoid sounding accusatory, start your requests with “I like it best when…” or “I’d like to try…”

5. If your sex life has become too routine, talk about introducing some novelty.
 
 
 
For various types of sex from “House Specialty” to” Elaborate-Adventurous” see Chapter 5: Sex Styles in my book, Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

____________________________

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

DR B's Relationship Checkup: STEP 4 OF 6

  Topic: non-sexual love and affection
_________________________________________

Harry studied the bit of lint on the otherwise immaculate carpet as he listened to Louise blame him for their marriage problems.

“He complains that I don’t want him to touch me and it’s not true,” she told the marriage counselor. “It’s just that whenever we hug or kiss, it always turns into sex.”

   “If we hugged and kissed more, I wouldn’t see it as my only chance to have sex,” Harry responded as he leaned forward and rescued the lint.

   Watching Harry toy with the lint, Louise said, “You make me feel like a prostitute.”

   “Why in the world would you say that?”

   “Because you expect a performance. If you don’t get one, you pout, and if I do perform, you want an encore. It’s never enough for you.”

   Squashing and rolling the innocent lint between his thumb and forefinger, Harry responded, “I’m sick to death of you blaming me for wanting to be close to you. I like to snuggle as much as the next guy.”

  STEP 4: SNUGGLE-CUDDLE QUOTIENT

 

· First examine the ways in which you each show nonsexual love and affection.          
· Now talk about the frequency. Is it enough or too much?
· How about the quality of the ways in which you show love and affection? Is a peck on the check enough or do you long for lingering kisses?
  · Is hand holding sufficient or do you prefer snuggles and cuddles?               
· Are there enough hugs without the pressures of sexual performance?

       

 The next post in Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup is Step 5: Sexuality

______________________________

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup: Step 3 of 6

topic: relationship communication
_____________________________________ 



“You refused to communicate about the little problems. I hope you know that this mess is your fault,” Judy said as she and Paul jostled each other trying to exit through the door at the same time.

As he wrote another fat check to the divorce mediator, Joe   responded, “If you could have just let go of the little things. It’s not my fault that the only communication technique you used was nagging… I tried."

“Well if you did try, I couldn’t hear you with your head buried in the sand.”

 

Every couple needs a method to air gripes and grumbles before they add up and become resentments. If you have a way to talk through the small stuff you’ll find that small problems are less likely to grow into large ones.

  STEP 3: CONFLICTS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU

 

  Begin by jotting down a gripes and grumbles list. From this list, select a few items with which to practice. Communicating about relationship conflicts is most effective and has minimal misunderstanding when four essential parts are included. As you each explain your gripes and grumbles, look for the following:

1. Do you first explain the situation from your own perspective?                                            

“When I walk into the bathroom and find wet towels on the carpet…”

2. Do you say how the situation effects you?

“…I have to stop and pick up the towels and I’m late getting out of the house.” 

                                                     
3. Do you say how it makes you feel?
 “ I feel upset.”

4. Do you say what you’d like?

“I’d like you to tidy up the bathroom when you finish your shower.”

 

 

If it’s not going as smoothly as you had hoped, try these two keys:

 

Say everything from your perspective rather than taking a blaming approach.                               

A second key is to stick to one topic of conflict rather than bringing in a host of others.

If either of you said anything like the following you may want to practice a little:
 
“You left the wet towels on the floor again because you’re a slob, never did care about me, and wanted to ruin my day!”
“Oh yeah? What about the half  empty cans of Dr. Pepper you leave all over the house?”
 
 
If your relationship can benefit from more in-depth information on resolving conflicts, check out Chapter 12, Resolving Conflicts, in my book: Win At Love! 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen.
 
With the right information and a little luck, you can win at love. In the next post look for Step 4: Non-sex Caring.

  

If you missed Step 1 or 2 you can find them here:

Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup- Step 1 of 6

Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup- Step 2 of 6

____________________________________

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup: Step 2 of 6

topic: intimacy

____________________________________

In the last post, you received your first step in Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup. Today, STEP 2: INTIMACY helps you discover if your emotional connection and communication are where you want them to be. Find out how well you are using the tools of time and privacy to keep your relationship humming along.
 
  “I wish we spent more time together,” complained Helen as she watched Jim man the remote, searching for the next sporting event.

 “We are together,” he said. “we’re watching TV.”

Escaping from her husband and meeting a few girlfriends at the coffee shop, Marie said, “Since he retired, he’s always around and he insists that we spend almost all of our time together. I used to complain about not enough time together, but now I’m smothered in all this togetherness.”

Mark is the newest member of a group therapy for men who are recovering from being caught in an affair. “I’m not trying to make excuses but my wife and I had no intimacy, no privacy and certainly no time alone.” Encouraged by the knowing nods from the other men, Mark explained, “We had sex when I complained but the real problem for me was that we had no emotional connection—no real intimacy. I think I drifted to other women because they seemed interested in me.”
 
Intimacy is to a relationship as wind is to a sailboat. Without either you are dead in the water. Your intimacy quotient changes over the course of your relationship and, if changes are to be made, you must express your current needs to your partner. When each is aware of the others wishes for more or less time and privacy, the two of you together can make the needed adjustments.

 

 

STEP 2: DISCUSS THE INTIMACY FACTOR

 

 1. How is the amount of time you spend together? Too little? Too much?                                         
2. Does each of you have enough private time for yourself and as a couple?
3. Do you have plenty of time with each other but not enough privacy?
4. Can you talk to each other about anything or are some topics out of bounds?
5. Discuss any adjustments the two of you want to make to improve the intimacy in your relationship.
 
  Check back for the next step in Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup: STEP 3: RESOLVING CONFLICTS.  To read more about intimacy check out Intimacy is much more than sex - Totally Win at Love

________________________________________

Fot lots of good information to help you or a friend click here:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen
Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.



Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup: Step 1 of 6

topic: relationship advice
 ___________________________________________________

In the last post I wrote about the importance of a Relationship Check-Up to prevent a Marriage Autopsy. Let’s get started with step one: Rev up your Strengths.

John folded his arms across his chest as he answered the therapist, “No, I didn’t know. I was in the dark about any problems until a short chubby guy with coke bottle glasses slapped me with the divorce papers. Who knew?”

His soon to be x-wife, Sarah, dabbed at her eyes with a squeezed to the death Kleenex as she shared with the members of the Thursday night United Methodist divorce adjustment group. “I tried to talk about our relationship problems but he tuned me out as if I were my 88 year old neighbor re-counting for the fiftieth time the story of her colonoscopy.”  

When women sense that something is wrong in a relationship, they feel compelled to talk about it in order to make it better. Some women, not you of course, hack and hammer at a potential problem until it is laid open with its core exposed to disapproval and denigration.

Consequently, when men hear, “We need to talk about our relationship” they run as surely as one runs from an ax murderer. The result for women is that emotions begin to stack up and trigger the process of rumination and complaining:  

“You never listen.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?”

"Your communication stinks!"

For most men, denial is less risky than confrontation so they turn a deaf ear to their partner. But, men do have an instinct that can help smooth and simplify a checkup. It’s the instinct of preventive maintenance.

Men, try thinking of a relationship checkup as a part of normal preventive maintenance. A relationship, just like your car, runs better and lasts longer when potential problems are spotted early. In each, the timely repair of minor problems can prevent an engine failure.

Take this opportunity to do the six steps of Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup. Step One is easy to do but powerful in preventing later problems.

                                        

STEP 1: REV UP YOUR STRENGTHS

                       

1.   Begin on a positive note by identifying each other’s personal strengths.

2.   Next, identify the strengths each of you sees in the way you each relate to each other.

3.   Finally, talk about the ways in which each other shows caring in the relationship. Be sure to say what the other does that makes you feel cared for but also say what you do that you believe makes your partner feel cared for. For more information on caring click here.

Dr. B’s Relationship Checkup provides a structure that works and gets it done in a fun positive way. Start with step one and then check back for step two: Intimacy

 _________________________________________________

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.

Link to my new book on Amazon:
Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B