COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS: From Minor Tiff to Major Conflict

"My husband accuses me of always over-reacting in an argument. I don’t know if I do or if he’s trying to blow off whatever issue we are arguing about. On the other hand, it could be me. Every day I act more and more like my mother and she always over-reacted. But, she had to. It was the only way she could get my Dad to listen. Either way, arguing over how important the issue is  keeps us from solving the problem."
 

In resolving conflict in your relationships, you have an opportunity to view the quarrel as small to significant and temporary to on-going. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, many misperceive the nature of the argument. Many of our misperceptions represent a specific style we cling to even though it clouds our perceptions of what is really going on in an argument. If you regard minor disagreements as major conflicts, then chances are you learned this style of overreacting from a parent. If you tend to dismiss major ongoing arguments as merely a tiff, a spat or a squabble, chances are you learned this denial from a parent. Over or under reacting offers little help in resolving conflicts.  This isn’t about blaming our parents. They taught us what they knew; they couldn’t teach us what they didn’t know.

DATING ADVICE: When Does Dating Become Serious?

Dating becomes "serious" when you agree to date each other exclusively. Essential to the development of a serious dating program are the tools of time and privacy.  Offers of time and privacy drive the development of intimacy in both friendships and relationships? Risk and reciprocity are central features of this process. Why bother? The possibility of intimacy is the reason you are willing to take the risk. Take one small risk at a time! Every time you make an offer of time or privacy you run the risk of your overture not being returned. When an offer is returned, risk and reciprocity allow intimacy to increase in a mutual and step-wise fashion.

If increasing offers are not returned, it becomes clear that the relationship is not destined to deepen at this time. Cut your losses rather than continue with non-returnable advances. Either move on or accept the relationship at a level where both contribute equally. On the other hand, if you receive offers of intimacy and have no interest in pursuing the relationship, decline any increasing offers.

If you both are interested in one another, as you each figuratively peel your onions, you’ll have the opportunity to evaluate a host of valuable qualities: chemistry, similarinterests, personality, and character. Additionally you have an opportunity to find out each other’s views on family, children and career. Getting to know someone intimately takes time and many shared experiences. How a person views himself may differ from your experience with him.

GROUP THERAPY

"I can see that I'm guilty of offering too little time and privacy," says Greg. "Perhaps it is intentional in order to avoid closeness."

Amy replies, "But, you and I have become close…"

"Yes, but as friends," says Greg. "I trust you so I don't feel at risk."

"I'm the opposite," says Suzanne. "I want a lot of time and privacy but then it feels like too much."

I say, "I see you wanting men to shower you with requests of time and privacy and then not wanting to make the same offers."

"I know. It's too much. Even when I stop my own invitations, some of these men don't get it."

"With me," says Amy, "On the rare occasions that I find a semi-normal guy, I seem to demand a lot of intimacy and end up running them off."

Sam asks, "What does the risk and reciprocity mean?"

I explain, "In a relationship, the offers of closeness are made by time and or privacy invitations. One person offers a little and waits to see of it is reciprocated. So…you take a little risk and wait for the other to return an advance. This way the relationship can progress in a step-wise fashion with both people participating and taking equal risks."

TAKE A MOMENT…DO THE ONION STRIPTEASE

Imagine you and your partner are onions with typically thin and transparent layers. The other onion peels off your layers and gets closer and closer to your private core, but shows nothing of itself. How do you feel?  Peeled and exposed of course. First, know that you are in charge of peeling off your own layers one by one and only when the other onion is willing and able to mutually engage in the onion striptease.  If you remove one skin please wait until the other person reciprocates by offering up a peel before you strip off another.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

You may feel violated when someone repeatedly invites you to more intimacy than you desire. When another declines your invitations, you may feel rejected. Each of us has a level of availability depending on our interests and what else is going on in our lives. If a person is not available at the level you wish, you are not rejected. Simply, they are not available to you at that level. There is no valid cause to feel rejected; and the reason for their lack of availability is not your concern. Your goal is to find a level of sharing that is fun and enjoyable for both. 

Group members are based on real people who attended group therapy. Their names and identifying information have been changed to protect their rightful anonymity. Photos of group members and all other photos, except for Dr. B., are purchased from stock photos and are not photos of actual group therapy members.

DATING ADVICE: Let Go of Your Relationship Baggage

 Single again? Does the thought of dating feel heavy and cumbersome? Maybe you collected excess baggage from previous dating and relationship experiences. Dragging along an over-stuffed suitcase, even with wheels, makes the dating process seem overwhelming and unmanageable.

 Many give up on dating, saying it’s just too difficult. However, the more information you acquire about dating, the easier the dating process becomes. With the right information, excess baggage and disappointments from your past can disappear like suitcases on the conveyer belt at the airport. When you reach your destination, you can choose to leave them at the airport and proceed on your journey unencumbered. Manageable, enjoyable, and productive dating is within your reach.

GROUP THERAPY

Sam says, "I always knew I had baggage. It just kept getting heavier and heavier. Maybe it's because I never looked inside until joining this group. I realize now that stuffing things in a box or my gut never works."

"I agree," I say. "The baggage needs to be opened to the light of day, the contents aired and released."

 
I believe,"  says Suzanne, " That I attract people who carry similar baggage a lot quicker than I attract people with similar interests."

"That's true," I say. "We tend to attract others with similar relationship problems or in some cases complimentary problems."

Amy says, "I attract the complimentary problems. I'm guilty of caring so much I become controlling. I never attract anyone just like me. But, in a way, they do match because they all have problems that need fixing. I'm the fixer and they need fixed. I know this fixor--fixee thing will never work but deep inside I still wish it would."

"I have a sincere question so don't slam me Amy," says Mark.  "How are you going to set down your baggage?"

"I'm doing it now by changing how I think about relationships," Amy answers. "I refuse to have my childhood problems dictate my adult relationships."

THOUGHTS ON GROUP

Mark has so frequently set himself up for attack that he felt he had to announce that his question was sincere. 
Amy is making a lot of changes but worries that when she lets go of her baggage there will be little left of her.

TAKE A MOMENT…

• A re you attracting partners with similar or complimentary issues?
• Who will you be without your suitcases? 
• Maybe it's time to open your baggage, air out the contents and let it go.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

If you believe a relationship to be at least as important as your career, why not spend the time and energy needed to intelligently research your options and increase your potential of finding Mr. or Ms. Right?  If you are at a time in your life when having a committed long-term relationship is important to you, then take responsibility. Don't leave your happiness to chance. Start your journey. Leave the baggage.

Group members are based on real people who attended group therapy. Their names and identifying information have been changed to protect their rightful anonymity. Photos of group members and all other photos, except for Dr. B., are purchased from stock photos and are not photos of actual group therapy members.

DATING ADVICE: Your Perfect Match

If you are "single again" do you wonder what dating is like now? The structure and language of dating changes with each generation, but the rationale does not. You invite, or are invited to go out with, another person to discover if sufficient attraction and shared interests exist to merit the pursuit of a more serious relationship. It’s really that simple.

When you dated in your teens, the goal was to develop relationship skills and to participate in a variety of fun social events. As you mature you use the information gained from your experiences to date with another purpose--finding a compatible partner for a long-term committed relationship. Advanced dating is like auditioning a co-star in the movie of your life. This is an evaluative rather than a judgmental process. You are not judging a potential partner as good or bad, but merely evaluating whether he or she is a match to you.

GROUP THERAPY



Suzanne asks, “How can you audition when you don’t know what you want?”





"That’s the point,” says Greg. “Obviously we didn’t know what was important to us when we were younger. Actually, I still don’t. A student wouldn’t work on finding a career by not taking courses, so it makes sense to me that I study relationships with as much dedication as I did my education.

“What’s wrong with dating for sex and for fun?” asks Michelle.







"Not a thing,” I say. “It depends on your stage in life. If you are at a place where you want a long-term successful relationship and had a history of disappointing relationships then you will want to think about what you really want in a long-term relationship and start the auditioning process. When you find that a person is not a match for you move on. Make room for someone new. Why string someone along if you know in your heart—or your brain waves –that he or she is not right for you?”




TAKE A MOMENT

Be honest with yourself about your dating goals:

• After the lust chemicals have dissipated, what do you expect?
• How important are similar interests and experiences to you?
• Is physical attractiveness or body type an issue? If you prefer short bald men, then don’t force yourself to tall guys with a mop of hair.
• Do you have similar ideas toward family?
• How important is fun and laughter?
• Do the two of you see commitment in the same way?
• How well do you match of companionship and communication?

A FINAL THOUGHT…

It takes time to find out about another person so don’t rush it. Issues of trust, honesty and integrity take time and experiences to show themselves. It is never enough to only talk about issues that are important to you—they need to be experienced.



Group members are based on real people who attended group therapy. Their names and identifying information have been changed to protect their rightful anonymity. Photos of group members and all other photos, except for Dr. B., are purchased from stock photos and are not photos of actual group therapy members.

DATING ADVICE: Finding Your Perfect Match

You invite, or are invited to go out with, another person to discover if sufficient attraction and shared interests exist to merit the pursuit of a more serious relationship. It’s really that simple. The structure and language of dating change with each generation, but the rationale does not.
When you dated in your teens, the goal was to develop relationship skills and to participate in a variety of fun social events. As you mature you use the information gained from your experiences to date with another purpose-finding a compatible partner for a long-term committed relationship. Advanced dating is like auditioning a co-star in the movie of your life. This is an evaluative rather than a judgmental process. You are not judging a potential partner as good or bad, but merely evaluating whether he or she is a match to you.
 
 
 



GROUP THERAPY

   Suzanne asks, “How can you audition when you don’t know what you want?” 






  
“That’s the point,” says Greg. “Obviously we didn’t know what was important to us when we were younger. Actually, I still don’t. A student wouldn’t work on finding a career by not taking courses, so it makes sense to me that I study relationships with as much dedication as I did my education.


“What’s wrong with dating for sex and for fun?” asks Michelle.





“Not a thing,” I say. “It depends on your stage in life. If you are at a place where you want a long-term successful relationship and had a history of disappointing relationships then you will want to think about what you really want in a long-term relationship and start the auditioning process. When you find that a person is not a match for you move on. Make room for someone new. Why string someone along if you know in your heat—or your brain waves –that he or she is not right for you?”



TAKE A MOMENT
Be honest with yourself about your dating goals:

• After the lust chemicals have dissipated what do you need?
• How important are similar interests and experiences to you.
• Is physical attractiveness or body type an issue? If you prefer short bald men then don’t force yourself to tall guys with a mop of hair.
• Do you have similar ideas toward family?
• How important is fun and laughter.
• Do the two of you see commitment in the same way?

A FINAL THOUGHT…
It takes time to find out about another person so don’t rush it. Issues of trust, honesty and integrity take time and experiences to show themselves. It is never enough to only talk about issues that are important to you—they need to be experienced.

Group members are based on real people who attended group therapy. Their names and identifying information have been changed to protect their rightful anonymity. Photos of group members and all other photos, except for Dr. B., are purchased from stock photos and are not photos of actual group therapy members.

CHEMISTRY AND LOVE Watch out for the brain waves!

 

Today's relationship advice on love and romance deals with the chemistry of love and attraction. Like it or not, your brain waves exchange information with every person who comes within three feet of you. You could tinfoil your head but how would you recognize  your perfect match? 

Your Perfect Match is Looking for You

As Heather stretches to retrieve two perfect tomatoes, she senses a strange and surprising feeling of attraction. Certain it isn’t emanating from the vegetable display; she turns to her right and catches a glimpse of a muscled masculine arm reaching for the celery. With shoulders nearly touching, their eyes meet. In hot pursuit of a DNA match their brainwaves exchange vital relationship information. The ensuing explosions from their cerebral neurons render them speechless. Heather, her face flushed with excitement, drops her glance and pretends to inspect the broccoli. He reluctantly drops the celery in his basket and moves on. Their biology knew what their psychology did not—each was within inches of their perfect match.

 

Dr. Helen Fisher, the leading expert on chemistry and love, tells us that our brain waves involuntarily exchange information with potential partners within a three-foot radius.  In hot pursuit of a DNA match, these brain waves travel at the speed of light. These biological forces of intimacy propel us to connect with others; however our emotional reaction can sputter or spark, thus obstructing the flow of energy.

GROUP THERAPY

Suzanne says, “All this talk of brain waves is a little scary. So even when I’m not talking to someone their brain waves are searching my brain? Looking for a mate to screw?"

"I like to think of it as a strong assist from Mother Nature," I say. But, despite this, singles still find ways to attract relationship disasters."

Greg says, "Why would our brain look for a DNA match? That would break all the incest taboos wouldn't it?"

SEX ABUSE: Why Children Can't Tell

Due to the recent media attention to accused sex abuse offender Jerry Sandusky, a former Penn State football coach, I'm reprinting a post from June of 2010 dealing with how sex offenders set up their victims and why children don't tell. Michelle is a member of the group therapy highlighted in my blog. The photo is from stock photos and is not of a person who has sought treatment. However the character is based on a real person who did seek treatment. Her name and identifying characteristics have been altered to protect her rightful anonymity; however the following is a true representation of her experience with sex abuse and those of countless other victims.

What Happened to Michelle?

The Set Up

Sex abuse damages a child’s sense of innocence, traumatizing their body, their spirit and their developing sexuality. Michelle’s father was a music professor at the local college and wanted his only daughter to have the enrichment of language lessons. His best friend, a French professor, offered to tutor Michelle. At his suggestion their lessons occurred in the sun room attached to the west side of the house. There he had sufficient privacy to perpetrate his abuse on little Michelle. While she sat rigid in the chair he would fondle her newly budding breasts. Later he progressed to digital penetration.


Why Didn’t She Tell?

First, as do many child molesters, he ever so casually brushed her breast through her blouse while he leaned over her under the pretense of correcting her written verb conjugations. Michelle felt embarrassed and uncomfortable but decided it was no doubt an accident. After all, he didn’t even seem to notice that he did it; he just kept correcting her conjugations. This was his test. Now he knew she wouldn’t tell. He slowly increased the frequency and duration of the abuse until the stark reality of his intentions broke through her innocent defenses. She pulled away in tears. He said, “Michelle, I know you wanted this because you let me do it all the other times.” What could she do now? Had she really given permission? She closed her eyes in shame as he continued; telling her softly how much she liked it.


The second reason many children don’t tell is due to overt or covert threats to the child. By telling Michelle that she was the one who initiated, he implied that her parents would blame her if she told. She already thought they wouldn’t believe her as this all seemed so unbelievable to her. But, one evening she mustered the courage to tell her mother. While helping her mother with the dishes her mother asked, “Do you like your French lessons Michelle?” She saw this question as her chance to tell. “No! I hate him. He does mean things to me.” “Michelle you are so fortunate to have a real college professor to teach you French. I know he’s giving you a lot to do but you’re smart, you can do it.  Just do what he says.”


Last week Michelle’s mother joined her in her session and was stunned to realize that Michelle thought she told and assumed she wanted her to put up with the abuse.


“Mother, you knew! Remember in the kitchen when I told you he was doing mean things to me and you said to put up with it? “


“Oh Michelle, I am so very sorry. I thought you meant he was giving you too much work and may have had high expectations of you. I never knew.”


“Mother, he surely did have high expectations of me. He even told me that if I told, he would see that Daddy lost his teaching position. After, I thought you wanted me to just put up with it I began to think there was something wrong with me. That maybe I did cause it.”




Secret slut and straight A good girl

The abuse continued for three summer vacations. When he offered the fourth summer, Michelle, now age 15, was already acting out the unresolved conflict from her abuse. Her new sense of power gave her the courage to

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: Why Many Singles Persist in Attracting Problem Relationships 

 

In the last post, "Single Again? Maybe It's You!", the relationship advice was for single again folks with a history of attracting problem relationships. Many of these individuals believe that problem people somehow find them. They are unable to see that they are attracting partners to work out past relationship issues. The women in our group therapy talked about the reasons they each attract problem relationships and are waiting for the men to share their own views.  Today's post shows the entanglement of sex and relationships.

Single Again? Maybe It's You!

If you have a history of attracting problem relationships, you no doubt scratch your head in amazement every time a potentially winning relationship begins to circle the drain. Is it you? Or is it your partner? Did you bet your shirt or blouse on this one because you were so sure you could make it work? You may take time out to rethink your approach or even step out of the dating game, but a positive and strong energy within calls you to shrug off the disappointments of the past and try again to find your ideal partner. If this pattern is one that you own, you are not alone. Many bright individuals are successful in every aspect of their lives but persistently attract relationships that are doomed from the start.

Relationship Advice: Chemistry vs Love

Prehistoric cave dweller, Max, spots Maxine filling water jugs at the stream south of the compound. He admires the slant to her forehead and the swing to her hips. He strolls over to introduce himself. Within three feet of each other, pheromones ooze, brain waves exchange, and sparks fly. Each has found a match.

Spread the Sperm and Save the Egg     

Max emits millions of sperm with each ejaculation; so spreading his sperm around to a variety of women he finds attractive increases his chances chance of reproducing his genetic material. Maxine produces only one egg a month, so is more selective. In order for her to reproduce her genetic material, she feels compelled to save sex for a man who can fight off lions and will hang around to help her raise the egg.

Max and Maxine, while attractive to each other, may not be as attractive to us; foreheads sharply slanted, the frontal lobes of their brain not yet developed advanced reasoning skills. Their initial attraction, having sex, and creating a family is entirely biologically based.  Deep in her DNA, Maxine "knew" Max was the one who would protect her and help raise their offspring.  When Max and Maxine have an argument not yet resolved, Max may think Maxine is purposely punishing him by withholding sex. Maxine, however, is directed by biological energies, telling her to wait until the situation is resolved and Max once again would be willing to protect her from hungry lions.

GROUP THERAPY

Mark speaks first. “So doesn’t all this exonerate me? My biology told me to spread my sperm around, so I had an affair."

"Give me a break Mark. I know men want more frequent sex but you made a commitment," says Amy. "Max was all about biology but you're supposed to be advanced—to have reasoning abilities."

"I know," says Mark," but I think Irene should cut me a little slack. She hasn’t wanted to have sex with me so now I get it. She’s not sure if I’ll fight off the lions."

 I say, "It's all about the frontal lobe. Mother Nature learned that an advanced brain can reason, make decisions, and develop character. Men may want to spread their sperm around, but the reasoning powers in our advanced brains are supposed to moderate our biology. Mother Nature knows the best chance of continuing the species is biology plus the learning and reasoning occurring in the frontal lobes of our brain."

Michelle says, "I don’t know that mine works right; there are times I know my reasoning doesn’t work. I’m intelligent; that’s not the problem; maybe something’s wrong with how I’m wired. When I meet men who seem right for me I don’t want to get close, but when I meet men I don’t even know, I do. I think I’m confused about the difference between lust and love.”

I say, "Make a note. Your brain waves respond with feelings of lust

when a match is found but your frontal lobe is looking for love. Your

best chance for relationship success is to value both."

Suzanne says, "That sounds like a great formula so why doesn't it work for all of us?"

"Because," I say, "emotional and relationship baggage plays havoc with both the chemistry and the psychology. For example, anxiety or depression can interfere with the initial brain wave exchange causing one to miss a chemistry match."

Amy adds, "Or, like in my case, a great chemistry match causes me to try to force a psychology match. I simply ignore the part of my brain that tells me to look for someone who is has similar interests,  not too many problems and is available."

Greg says, "Amy, I think you ignore your frontal lobe. It seems to me that you realize that the men are not a psychology match so you try to fix them—to make them a match."

"What do you mean by available?" asks Michelle.

"In most of my past relationships," says Amy, "the guys had a drinking problem or were married—or both. Maybe Greg is right."

Sam says, "When I was trying to be straight, I'd find a psychology match but the chemistry was never there so it never felt right. I almost got married once…I'd have sex when she wanted but no matter how much I loved her I couldn't feel the chemistry."

Suzanne says, "It's not that you couldn't feel the chemistry—it just wasn't there. I want it all—lust from the brain chemistry and love from the frontal lobe of my brain. I guess that's the psychology part?

I reply, "That's right. The frontal lobe houses our reasoning abilities where we process our feelings of love. Lust, in contrast, occurs when a biological match is found. Each is okay by themselves but together is better.

THOUGHTS ON GROUP

Many, like Mark and Suzanne respond to a brain wave match with total abandon and no editing from the frontal lobe of their brain. This is the part that learns and reasons. Both are carrying significant emotional baggage that hinders their desire to develop a truly loving relationship.

Amy, when finding a chemistry match, immediately sees what is lacking and proceeds to try to make her partner change to meet her needs. This is always a no win situation because she repeatedly chooses unavailable men.

Suzanne, Sam and Greg both admit finding a love match but without the passion of chemistry match.

TAKE A MOMENT…

Think about the pattern in your relationships:

·     Do you tend to persist in a chemistry match when there is no hope of a love match?

·     For you, does a love match make up for not having a chemistry match?

·     Do you need to release baggage that prevents you from making either type of match?

A FINAL THOUGHT

Since ancient times, women have been attracted to powerful men. A powerful man today may be defined differently than Max, who could fend off the occasional lion. Today’s Max may be strong because he’s educated or successful, or any number of reasons contemporary Maxine’s developed brain has deemed valuable.  Even if modern-day Max and Maxine decide to not have children, these biological energies are still at play.

Today men continue in their desire for more frequent sex than women and participate in significantly more affairs. Women are frequently accused of being withholding; waiting for just the right time and person for sex. Deep in the women’s ancient biology she still wants to save sex for a strong partner who will help her raise her egg. 

In the next post, look for more on your unique brain waves and how to use them to your advantage.

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Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Group members are based on real people who attended group therapy. Their names and identifying information have been changed to protect their rightful anonymity. Photos of group members and all other photos, except for Dr. B., are purchased from stock photos and are not photos of actual group therapy members.