Relationship Advice: Chemistry vs Love

Prehistoric cave dweller, Max, spots Maxine filling water jugs at the stream south of the compound. He admires the slant to her forehead and the swing to her hips. He strolls over to introduce himself. Within three feet of each other, pheromones ooze, brain waves exchange, and sparks fly. Each has found a match.

Spread the Sperm and Save the Egg     

Max emits millions of sperm with each ejaculation; so spreading his sperm around to a variety of women he finds attractive increases his chances chance of reproducing his genetic material. Maxine produces only one egg a month, so is more selective. In order for her to reproduce her genetic material, she feels compelled to save sex for a man who can fight off lions and will hang around to help her raise the egg.

Max and Maxine, while attractive to each other, may not be as attractive to us; foreheads sharply slanted, the frontal lobes of their brain not yet developed advanced reasoning skills. Their initial attraction, having sex, and creating a family is entirely biologically based.  Deep in her DNA, Maxine "knew" Max was the one who would protect her and help raise their offspring.  When Max and Maxine have an argument not yet resolved, Max may think Maxine is purposely punishing him by withholding sex. Maxine, however, is directed by biological energies, telling her to wait until the situation is resolved and Max once again would be willing to protect her from hungry lions.

GROUP THERAPY

Mark speaks first. “So doesn’t all this exonerate me? My biology told me to spread my sperm around, so I had an affair."

"Give me a break Mark. I know men want more frequent sex but you made a commitment," says Amy. "Max was all about biology but you're supposed to be advanced—to have reasoning abilities."

"I know," says Mark," but I think Irene should cut me a little slack. She hasn’t wanted to have sex with me so now I get it. She’s not sure if I’ll fight off the lions."

 I say, "It's all about the frontal lobe. Mother Nature learned that an advanced brain can reason, make decisions, and develop character. Men may want to spread their sperm around, but the reasoning powers in our advanced brains are supposed to moderate our biology. Mother Nature knows the best chance of continuing the species is biology plus the learning and reasoning occurring in the frontal lobes of our brain."

Michelle says, "I don’t know that mine works right; there are times I know my reasoning doesn’t work. I’m intelligent; that’s not the problem; maybe something’s wrong with how I’m wired. When I meet men who seem right for me I don’t want to get close, but when I meet men I don’t even know, I do. I think I’m confused about the difference between lust and love.”

I say, "Make a note. Your brain waves respond with feelings of lust

when a match is found but your frontal lobe is looking for love. Your

best chance for relationship success is to value both."

Suzanne says, "That sounds like a great formula so why doesn't it work for all of us?"

"Because," I say, "emotional and relationship baggage plays havoc with both the chemistry and the psychology. For example, anxiety or depression can interfere with the initial brain wave exchange causing one to miss a chemistry match."

Amy adds, "Or, like in my case, a great chemistry match causes me to try to force a psychology match. I simply ignore the part of my brain that tells me to look for someone who is has similar interests,  not too many problems and is available."

Greg says, "Amy, I think you ignore your frontal lobe. It seems to me that you realize that the men are not a psychology match so you try to fix them—to make them a match."

"What do you mean by available?" asks Michelle.

"In most of my past relationships," says Amy, "the guys had a drinking problem or were married—or both. Maybe Greg is right."

Sam says, "When I was trying to be straight, I'd find a psychology match but the chemistry was never there so it never felt right. I almost got married once…I'd have sex when she wanted but no matter how much I loved her I couldn't feel the chemistry."

Suzanne says, "It's not that you couldn't feel the chemistry—it just wasn't there. I want it all—lust from the brain chemistry and love from the frontal lobe of my brain. I guess that's the psychology part?

I reply, "That's right. The frontal lobe houses our reasoning abilities where we process our feelings of love. Lust, in contrast, occurs when a biological match is found. Each is okay by themselves but together is better.

THOUGHTS ON GROUP

Many, like Mark and Suzanne respond to a brain wave match with total abandon and no editing from the frontal lobe of their brain. This is the part that learns and reasons. Both are carrying significant emotional baggage that hinders their desire to develop a truly loving relationship.

Amy, when finding a chemistry match, immediately sees what is lacking and proceeds to try to make her partner change to meet her needs. This is always a no win situation because she repeatedly chooses unavailable men.

Suzanne, Sam and Greg both admit finding a love match but without the passion of chemistry match.

TAKE A MOMENT…

Think about the pattern in your relationships:

·     Do you tend to persist in a chemistry match when there is no hope of a love match?

·     For you, does a love match make up for not having a chemistry match?

·     Do you need to release baggage that prevents you from making either type of match?

A FINAL THOUGHT

Since ancient times, women have been attracted to powerful men. A powerful man today may be defined differently than Max, who could fend off the occasional lion. Today’s Max may be strong because he’s educated or successful, or any number of reasons contemporary Maxine’s developed brain has deemed valuable.  Even if modern-day Max and Maxine decide to not have children, these biological energies are still at play.

Today men continue in their desire for more frequent sex than women and participate in significantly more affairs. Women are frequently accused of being withholding; waiting for just the right time and person for sex. Deep in the women’s ancient biology she still wants to save sex for a strong partner who will help her raise her egg. 

In the next post, look for more on your unique brain waves and how to use them to your advantage.

________________________

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Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Group members are based on real people who attended group therapy. Their names and identifying information have been changed to protect their rightful anonymity. Photos of group members and all other photos, except for Dr. B., are purchased from stock photos and are not photos of actual group therapy members.