CHEMISTRY AND LOVE Watch out for the brain waves!

 

Today's relationship advice on love and romance deals with the chemistry of love and attraction. Like it or not, your brain waves exchange information with every person who comes within three feet of you. You could tinfoil your head but how would you recognize  your perfect match? 

Your Perfect Match is Looking for You

As Heather stretches to retrieve two perfect tomatoes, she senses a strange and surprising feeling of attraction. Certain it isn’t emanating from the vegetable display; she turns to her right and catches a glimpse of a muscled masculine arm reaching for the celery. With shoulders nearly touching, their eyes meet. In hot pursuit of a DNA match their brainwaves exchange vital relationship information. The ensuing explosions from their cerebral neurons render them speechless. Heather, her face flushed with excitement, drops her glance and pretends to inspect the broccoli. He reluctantly drops the celery in his basket and moves on. Their biology knew what their psychology did not—each was within inches of their perfect match.

 

Dr. Helen Fisher, the leading expert on chemistry and love, tells us that our brain waves involuntarily exchange information with potential partners within a three-foot radius.  In hot pursuit of a DNA match, these brain waves travel at the speed of light. These biological forces of intimacy propel us to connect with others; however our emotional reaction can sputter or spark, thus obstructing the flow of energy.

GROUP THERAPY

Suzanne says, “All this talk of brain waves is a little scary. So even when I’m not talking to someone their brain waves are searching my brain? Looking for a mate to screw?"

"I like to think of it as a strong assist from Mother Nature," I say. But, despite this, singles still find ways to attract relationship disasters."

Greg says, "Why would our brain look for a DNA match? That would break all the incest taboos wouldn't it?"

I answer, "Don't be misled by the term DNA match. Our brain waves search for an immune system that differs from our own—a compatible match.  In this case opposites do attract because differing gene pools result in healthier more viable offspring."

Michelle asks, "I think I know what chemistry means. It's being attracted isn't it?"

"We can be attracted to a person at many levels," I say, "but when a DNA match is found, intense feelings of strong mutual attraction commonly referred to as lust or chemistry occurs; sparks fly and spirits soar.

Mark asks, "The guy at the supermarket just walked away. Why?"

"Any number of reasons:" I respond, "maybe he didn't have the communication skills to pursue social chit chat, maybe he needed eye contact from her, or maybe he recognized the powerful attraction and made a conscious decision to pass…"

Mark interrupts, "Why in hell would he do that?"

"I know this didn't occur to you, Mark, but maybe he was in a relationship," says Amy.

"But he could have had both," Mark says…"love at home and chemistry with a hot stranger."

"That's happened to me and I was so overwhelmed I just walked away," says Suzanne, "He could have been an axe murderer for all I knew. And, then there's the issue of safe sex."

Amy Ignores Mark's and Suzanne's comments and asks, "What about love? I'm assuming there's another part of our brain that processes feeling of love.”

"Yes," I respond, "if you mean romantic love which is experienced in the frontal lobe of the brain. Romantic love results from relating to others who share your values, such as being of good character and possessing a congenial personality. Your brain waves respond with feelings of lust when a match is found but your frontal lobe is looking for love." 

"I know lots of couples who are in love," says Suzanne but they didn't have a chemistry match. You know the type…they always say they were friends first and grew to love each other. Do you think they always wonder what it would have been like…?"

"Sure they do," says Sam. "When I was dating women I fell in love with Ann. But, there was no chemistry. I just knew it would never work. I had sex when she wanted but it was an obligation and painful…because I wanted the chemistry. The chemistry, for me, was always with men."

I say, "There's a difference between Sam's situation and the many couples who marry for love but didn't have a DNA match. We'll pick up that topic next time."

THOUGHTS ON GROUP

• Mark and Michelle have confused the feelings of sexual attraction with the overpowering feeling of love and attraction that occurs in a DNA match.
• Michelle no longer has anonymous sex with men from her gym but is not yet ready to accept a DNA match. She's dating "normal" men but still has sex and love clearly separated.
• Suzanne and Amy have certainly had their chemistry experiences but seem reluctant to share such intense sexual feelings with the group.

TAKE A MOMENT…

Think about the times in your life that you passed on what you know now to be a DNA match. Why did you ignore the connection?

   Do you carry emotional baggage that may prevent you from pursuing a DNA match?

A FINAL THOUGHT…

The ideal relationship is based on chemistry and romantic love. If you are single and wanting a long-term relationship, don't cheat yourself by accepting less. Next time we'll look at how to keep love alive when the chemistry dies.

Group members are based on real people who attended group therapy. Their names and identifying information have been changed to protect their rightful anonymity. Photos of group members and all other photos, except for Dr. B., are purchased from stock photos and are not photos of actual group therapy members.