Back in July I presented the Six Categories of a Relationship for you to consider in evaluating your relationships, whether they be newly developing or long term. Before I became distracted with life interrupting my blogging, I left you with the various types of relationship sex and dangled the expectation that we would soon cover the sixth category called Commitment. I apologize for leaving you stranded in Sexuality. But, perhaps there are worse places to be stranded.
Commitments in Long-term Relationships
Finding a partner with whom you have chemistry and compatibility takes time and many shared experiences. When you’ve found a mutual match, the issue of long-term commitment begins to slowly simmer, gradually developing into a full rolling boil. The pot boils over with expectations as each tries to guess what they will need from each other in the future. Dr. Pat Love writes about two types of commitments: “constrained” and “personal dedication.” To me, another type of commitment is frequently seen in people with a problem of unhealthy relationships. We will begin today with this type of committment type I call “Unhealthy Bargains.”
Unhealthy Bargains
Many couples are able to stay together only because of the unhealthy bargains they strike. Most often these bargains are never discussed; like the proverbial elephants, they hunker down in the middle of the room where the couple’s denial covers them with an invisible shield.
“I don’t confront you on your drinking and you turn a blind eye to my overspending.”
“You put up with my controlling behavior and I refuse to notice your extra-marital affairs.”
“You meet none of my emotional needs so I overindulge the children”
“I belittle you in front of others so you are passive-aggressive towards me.”
Virtual Group Therapy
Let's check in with our group therapy members as they discuss the topic.
Suzanne is the first to speak, “I hate to admit this, but not only have I had some form of these examples in many of my relationships but also with my Dad. I realize that if we are dating we can leave unhealthy relationships, but what if it’s an on-going relationship?”
Mark answers. “Irene and I are a good example. We’re discovering lots of unhealthy bargains and are doing our best to get them out on the table. I think the key is to pull the cover off the elephant. Irene did that when she finally confronted me on my affairs. There were a lot of things I never addressed with her, like her passive-aggressive behavior. Maybe she acted that way because I wasn’t totally there for her or maybe I had affairs due to the marriage problems. We both intend to work on our issues, no matter what it takes. I know it takes two, if only one of us tries it won’t work.”
I reply, “The best example I have is when a dog licks your hand and then pees on your shoe.”
Amy offers,
“Here’s another. When someone smiles at you while saying something mean and it doesn’t sink in right away. It’s like they dropped a sack of shit on your head and it starts to drip a few minutes later.”
Stop here to search for any unhealthy bargains in your past or present relationships. No rolling through the intersection; a full stop please.
1. Search for white elephants in your past relationships.
2. What unhealthy bargains have you made?
3. If you are currently dating or in an on-going relationship what unhealthy bargains are emerging?
Check back tommorrow for a common type committment that cheats many out of the love they deserve.
