ROMANTIC GESTURES


Gestures that make the other feel complimented or validated are romantic. It’s important that a need is not being met. If a gift has a cord or a battery it probably meets a need and therefore is not romantic. Washing machines, electric drills and iPods are useful, but not romantic. Love notes, compliments, or picking up your partner’s favorite candy bar on your way home from work are romantic.

Max and Maxine

Our prehistoric couples, Max and Maxine, illustrate another important feature about romance. Maxine thinks receiving flowers is romantic; it’s been awhile since she received a romantic bouquet from Max. So she saunters to a nearby field and collects an armful of wild flowers to give to Max. Mark interrupts, “Isn’t that just like a woman, to give a man what she wants and not what he thinks is romantic for him?” Unfortunately many do give what they would like to have. It’s almost like Maxine was saying to Max, “See, this is the right way to show romantic feelings.” Max didn’t appreciate the flowers and didn’t understand the hidden agenda. They had a small tiff, the result of which was Max saying he’d love to bring flowers to Maxine, but he didn’t want flowers from her. If she felt as though she wanted to do something romantic for him he’d appreciate season tickets to the spear throwing competition.

Mark says,“That’s Irene and me. We give each other back rubs. I like a deep muscular massage but Irene wants a light, kind of scratchy touch, not at all a real massage. So for years I’ve been giving her the muscular massage and she’s tortured me with that light scratchy touch. I never thought about it until now. I thought my brain was bigger than Max’s, but maybe not. Seems we each gave what we wanted rather than what our partner preferred.

In a relationship it’s important to find out what the other perceives as romantic and for you to express your romantic needs.

Do not expect your partner to be a mind reader. Most people are happy to meet your romantic needs if only they knew what they are. If your partner likes cards and love notes and you want to express romantic feelings why not indulge him or her? However, if cards and love notes are not something that easily comes to mind you may need the help of a few tactics.

First, when you do feel romantic, write out a number of love notes using a variety of pens. Hide them around the house where they will be randomly found over a period of months. If your partner appreciates cards and flowers, place a reminder note on your calendar.

Michelle is out of character as she flashes an outright grin. “Dr. B., I’m really surprised. What happened to being honest and authentic? If someone has to remind themselves to be romantic doesn’t the gesture fall flat?”

Before I can respond, Sam speaks, “I think it’s even sweeter than if it came naturally. Someone has to really value their partner to go to all that trouble to be romantic.”

I reply, “To me, making a reminder note on your calendar or writing notes to be discovered later means that you feel romantic and want to give your partner something meaningful to them. Also, a couple may not match on their romance scores. The person with the lower score may need to remind themselves to be romantic.”

Mark says,“I’d rather know what Irene feels is romantic then resort to mind-reading. On our last anniversary she reminded me of the date and suggested a few things she would like. I appreciated having a list from which to choose. As I look back I think she was mad about all those ultra sheer nighties I forced on her. Now I know what she perceives as romantic and it isn’t skimpy nightgowns.

Four important points to remember about romance

1. Romance, the “spice” of a relationship, blossoms from doing or giving a partner something that makes them feel complimented and validated as a special person.

2. Romantic gestures result in the release of love chemicals, causing a recapture of feelings experienced in the early stages of the relationship.

3. Romance normally ebbs and flows over the course of a relationship.

4. You must make your partner aware of what you find romantic. Most partners are not mind readers.

Give yourself a score from one to ten on how important the category of romance is to you. The next post is on SEX: the fifth category of a relationship.

ROMANCE: the "starter" category.
Subservience is romantic when it’s reciprocal, appreciated, and never expected.

We've looked at three of the six categories of relationships: companionship, caring and intimacy. Today we'll look at Romance, which is defined as the hearts and flowers of a relationship. It’s what you do when you want to compliment or validate your partner.

The chemistry of romance

I call romance the starter category, important in the start of a relationship where it causes the release of endorphins and other chemicals typically produced during the first two years of a love relationship. After time, romance waxes and wanes as the pressures of other categories compete. With less romance the endorphins production decreases. When a relationship loses its energy and shows signs of fatigue, one of the pair does something romantic to spice up the partnership. Romantic gestures kick start a bland relationship and ignite dwindling passions. Other categories remain fairly consistent over the course of a relationship, but romance normally surges as needed and then returns to a lower voltage.

Courtesy and compliments

While caring when the other is in need is an essential category it does not substitute for romance. However, there is a way caring can be romantic. When a couple does little things for each other that are appreciated but not at all needed they are expressing romance. Vilma frequently brings Fred his slippers while he listens to the six o’clock news. She enjoys making him feel special. If Fred expected his slippers as a routine task for Vilma to perform it wouldn’t be romantic; it would be a chore. Fred thanks Vilma for the slippers and even thanks her for routine chores like dinner and doing the dishes. Fred would say, “Vilma, thank you for the lovely dinner. How sweet of you to take the time to make the cream sauce for the peas.

Amy interjects, “Oh, give me a break. Don’t you think that’s a bit subservient? I know Fred and Vilma are from a different generation, but really!”

Amy would be correct if the romantic gestures only went one way, but for Fred, age 94, and Vilma, age 89, it’s definitely a two way street. Fred always makes her evening cocktail, right at five o’clock, just the way she likes it. Although Fred has been serving her cocktail for more than fifty years Vilma chooses to look upon the occasion as a pleasant and romantic surprise. Also, he’s quick to notice when she changes her hair or sports a new article of clothing; rarely does he forget to compliment her efforts to look nice. Sometimes he even puts her bath towel in the clothes dryer so it’s “nice and warm” when she steps out of the shower. Fred says the courtesies they show to each other have kept the romance alive and smoothed out the speed bumps experienced over their many years. Subservience is romantic when it’s reciprocal, appreciated, and never expected.

Next post offers more on romantic gestures.

INTIMACY: The Third of Six Categories in a Relationship

Intimacy is defined as emotional communication; being able to discuss relevant personal information along with the accompanying heart-felt feelings. If you highly value intimacy you are able to discuss any topic with your partner; you have no need to feel defensive.

Mark says,“Oh my God, are you talking about touchy feely? That’s Irene for sure; always wanting me to talk about feelings. I feel like she wants something from me and I don’t know what it is.”

Michelle replies,“Listen Mark, you want touchy without expressing feelings. Where has that gotten you? I know you are capable of it because I’ve seen you do it with all of us. You’ve been doing really well here; isn’t it time you took a chance with Irene?”


Mark shrugs and asks,” But isn’t intimacy really the combination of sex and emotional communication?”

I reply, “You’re right Mark. All of these categories overlap. What we’re doing now is separating them out so each can be better studied. Do you agree with Michelle when she said you do express feelings here, in group, but avoid talking about feelings with Irene?

Mark shrugs again, “I remember when we talked about intimacy needing to go one step at a time and not to be defensive. I’ve been doing this; trying to not be so defensive and trying one small step at a time. I used to be afraid of talking about anything to do with feelings and only talked about the kids and the business of the house. Now I take chances and I really try to listen when she shares her feelings with me.
So my feeling is that all of you have me type cast and haven’t been seeing my changes. I’m doing better, but sometimes I don’t agree with her and the fight is on. When we first started this group I would have said I was a two on emotional communication and a ten on sex. Now I don’t know, maybe a five on emotional communication and an eight on sex.”

Mark’s disclosure brings up three fundamental points regarding the emotional communication of intimacy.

1. For emotional communication to be intimate, feelings must be expressed and accepted in a non-defensive manner. You can disagree with a person’s point of view, but honest feelings deserve validation. If Mark and Irene have a disagreement Mark can say, “Irene, from how you are seeing the situation I can understand your feelings. But I see it differently and so have different feelings.” This is much better than his usual "Irene you're full of crap" routine.

2. Intimate communication requires reciprocity. If you share feelings and the other does not reciprocate, then be leery of sharing more until they are willing or able to share something personal about their lives. Don’t forge ahead with a “tell all” attitude unless the other shares at the same level. Maybe they are a three and you are a nine, or maybe they are defensive due to past hurtful experiences. The reason doesn’t matter. If you share and they don’t, move the conversation to a less intimate topic.

3. Intimacy moves in a step-wise fashion. Start with small expressions of emotional communication. If a potential partner reciprocates at the same level or deeper, then move ahead with your communication and share a little more if you like. Suzanne used to jump right in with deep feelings about her childhood and every aspect of her adult life. Now she starts with small baby steps, giving the other a chance to participate in the sharing.

What is your intimacy score? You’ll be happiest with partners who fall in the same range; those who have a similar desire for intimate communication. If you are in an on-going relationship where intimacy has dwindled, the same rules apply. Start small, wait for reciprocity and avoid a defensive posture. The next post, Romance, provides the energy needed to jump start emotional communication.

CARING: The Second Category of a Relationship

 Caring is when one member of a partnership puts self aside and nurtures the other. It’s like being a positive parent when the other is in need. Vital to the caring factor is the perception of need. It must be a real need.

An increased amount of work from a new project causes Eva to be at her computer most evenings and weekends. Noticing how Eva’s overflowing ironing basket is directly proportional to her feelings of career overload; Adam skips golf one Saturday morning to help her catch up on her ironing, pick up her dry cleaning, and return her over due videos. He does this because he cares and because she needed the help. Another time, when Adam is in need, Eva will be there for him. Take a moment to think about the importance of caring in an ideal relationship for you and give yourself a score with 10 being the highest and 1 the lowest.

Your Caring Check List

1. Make sure you are meeting a real need. Caring behaviors, when not needed, are intrusive and smothering. Suzanne’s ex-dating partner no doubt would say he was only being romantic, when actually he was smothering and controlling.

2. Make sure you are meeting the right need. Suzanne's friend who was newly separated from her husband was in need of diapers and money for daycare. He ignored her need but dropped off a romantic poem telling her how much he wanted her back. The poem felt like a slap in the face.

3. Caring is given without expectation of immediate reciprocity. Of course there is an expectation that when you do have a need that the other person will be there for you.

Amy says,

“I’m feeling really red-faced because I’m guilty of the smothering thing. I guess I rationalized it by thinking it’s not enough to say I care, I have to show it. After listening to Suzanne I can see where I’ve been guilty of smothering and then feel resentful when they pull away. It’s like a cycle for me. I give and give and then start to notice that I’m getting nothing back. Then I feel resentful and really work that resentment until I blow up. Then I feel guilty and it starts all over again with give and give.  I’m dependent on care-taking to feel good about myself.”

You Teach People How to Treat You

This brings up another key point for you to remember. You teach people how to treat you. Amy was the designated giver and taught her partners to be takers. Their needs were initially met, but later they resented Amy’s control over them. Amy rated herself as a ten on the category of caring. When I asked her to rate the caring factor for the usual type of man she has dated in the past she said, “I think most of them would be a four or five, but then I taught them how to be a one or two.”

How did you rate yourself on the caring category?

No matter your score, your best match will be with another who scores in the same range as you. When your caring scores are highly discrepant, someone is always the designated giver and taker; in the long run, never a good situation for either person. Now that you rated yourself on the extent to which you value both companionship and caring we’ll look, on the next post , at Intimacy, the category dealing with communication of feelings.

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Link to my new book on Amazon:Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen

What To Do When Your Partner Wants More or Less Companionship Than You


Last time we looked briefly at the six categories of a relationship: companionship, caring, intimacy, romance, sex and commitment. Today, let's look closer at Companionship in dating and in long term relationships.

Dating To find a compatible partner you must assess the companionship factor. If you are a ten on companionship and a potential partner appears to be a two, kiss the toad and release him or her to find a more suitable match. If their favorite activity is roller-blading and yours is being alone with the New York Times cross word puzzle, let go and make room for a new dating partner. With Internet dating the companionship factor can partially be assessed on line, limiting the number of toads to be actually kissed. When you see a mismatch, be quick to politely decline  and move on.

On-going relationship Let’s say you found what appears to be a companionship match and you two decide to date exclusively to see whether you may have a long-term love match. In an on-going relationship, open discussion is the lock and negotiation is key. What a wonderful way to find out what’s important to your partner and for him or her to know what’s truly important to you. Negotiation begins with open discussion followed by acceptance and willingness to compromise. A few basic principles of negotiating companionship will help.

Try this…

1. Invite your partner to join you in an activity for which you have a passion.

2. Clarify that you don’t expect him or her to adopt the activity as a personal passion.

3. Explain how you want him or her to at least experience an activity that has significant meaning to you.

4. Look for a passion in your partners’ life and state your interest in knowing more about his or her involvement.

5. Adopt an attitude of congeniality and enjoy your partner’s enjoyment in the pursuit of their passion.

Click on "read more" for the story of JT and Charlotte
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The Six Important Categories of a Relationship.

You may find your relationship, past or present, a challenge to decipher. When you’ve tried to figure out “Why, oh why” your partner reacts a certain way you might have found the task a tad overwhelming. Think of the times yet one more relationship circled the drain and you said, “What the hell happened?” You can simplifiy your study of “what the hell happened?” by thinking about your relationship having
 six important categories: companionship, caring, intimacy, romance, sex, and commitment. For each category give your self a score showing how much you value the category in an ideal relationship for you. Score 0-10 with 10 being the highest.

Companionship
Couples who score themselves highly on companionship prefer to spend most of their time together, involved in projects, handling chores, or socializing with family and friends. However, if one partner highly values companionship and the other likes some time apart, acceptance and compromise are in order. If the discrepancy is wide, negotiations become more difficult and sometimes impossible.

Caring
Caring is when one member of a partnership puts self aside and nurtures the other. It’s like being a positive parent when the other is in need. Vital to the caring factor is the perception of need. It must be a real need.

Intimacy
Intimacy is defined as emotional communication; being able to discuss relevant personal information along with the accompanying heart-felt feelings. If you highly value intimacy you are able to discuss any topic with your partner; you have no need to feel defensive.

Romance
 Defined as the hearts and flowers of a relationship. I call it the starter category because it causes the release of chemicals to start up or re-start your relationship.

Sex
The sex category has inputs from both romance and intimacy. When we artificially separate sex from these categories we are looking at sex for fun.

Now that you've given yourself scores for your ideal relationship you can score a past relationship to see what went wrong. In a relationship now? Score the categories again based on your actual relationship. By comparing your ideal to the actual you can see what is going well and what needs a little work.

Is Casual Sex Different From A Hook-up?

Casual sex is most commonly defined as sex outside of a romantic relationship. If you have multiple sex partners, consecutive or simultaneous, or a one-time encounter, the term casual sex is also used.
You may protest, saying you can have romantic loving feelings toward numerous partners. This is highly unlikely as the development of an intimate relationship takes considerable time and privacy. Don't confuse lust with romance.

•  A hook-up is a type of casual sex where the sex activity can be mutual stimulation, oral sex or intercourse.
• An extended hook-up refers to a situation where the parties get together for casual sex multiple times, but without a commitment of exclusivity. “Booty call” or “Friends with benefits” are other terms for extended hook-ups.
• Anonymous sex is where two strangers meet for sex and never see each other again.

 With safety and security precautions casual sex can be fun and exciting, but if you are hoping to find a deep loving relationship or are currently trying to improve your relationship it is not ideal.

See my article on the Development of intimacy: the tools of time and privacy http://www.totallywinatlove.com/2010/03/begin-now-to-use-tools-of-time-and.html

For more on casual sex that is actually a chemistry match, see my article of May 17 Unconscious Sex: Bikes and drummers

I post 3 or 4 times a week so check back and see what's new.

Care to add to or correct my definitions?  Have a comment on either the joys or hazards of casual sex?
Just click on comments.

Wishing you happy fulfilling relationships,

Unconscious Sex: bikes and drummers

There are times in your life when having sex may not be a conscious choice. Mark recalls his sophomore year in college, when he spent a summer bicycling in Europe. One drizzly afternoon his trip was postponed as a sudden cloud burst drenched him with driving rain. He took cover under a bridge. Another cyclist, a young and soaked to the skin, Italian woman, was also seeking the refuge of the bridge. Although the two did not share a common language they shared Mark’s tarp and spent the afternoon making love sheltered from the storm. While a treasured experience, Mark may have neglected to peruse what could have been an ongoing intimate relationship. Although a beautiful memory, he feels the loss of what could have been. Mark says, “Maybe, with all my affairs, I’ve been subconsciously trying to recreate the intimacy found under the bridge.”
(Click on "read more" for the rest of the story.)

What Needs To Happen Before You Have Sex?

Everyone, in a long term or new relationship, has different ideas on what needs to happen before sex. Here’s a few I’ve heard:


• I want the ring on my finger
• Our argument resolved
• Feel horny
• Know if we are compatible
• On the third date
• Likes cats
• Know he’ll call the next day
• Know that we will probably be dating for a while
• Isn’t married
• Want to work on myself first
• Feel like I don’t want to be with anyone else
• Sunday afternoon when the kids are at the movie
• Have to be able to talk about it before I do it.
• Some time relaxing and talking
• Feel like I know who they are as a person.
• Know they will only have sex with me

Care to add to the list? Just click on comments.


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For more on relationships, link to: Win at Love!: 5 Hidden Forces to Make It Happen
You'll find tons of good information to help you Win at Love.

Questions?
Send your questions to me at totallywinatlove@yahoo.com
Please put Q and A in the subject line.

Comments?
To make a comment, just click on comments.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Tips for Online Dating

Whether you are new to online dating or experienced there are a few tips to consider.

• Expect to talk on the phone following several productive discussions. A face to face meeting should follow shortly. If not keep looking.


• Be honest about your picture and your profile. Don’t use multiple profiles. It’s like fishing with different baits. You want someone who is interested in the real you, not the latest lure.

• Be wary of anyone who wants your phone number or personal email after your first interaction. Communicate through a matching service until you feel comfortable.

• When you do meet face to face choose a public place and bring another couple. If he or she doesn’t want to double date, then politely click them off.

• Don’t keep chatting with a potential date after deciding you are not interested in meeting them. A slow fade-away is rude. Better to say, “I’m really not what you’re looking for. Good luck in finding a great match.” Click.

Why You Must Audition Your Dates

Think of dating as a type of audition. You invite, or are invited to go out with, another person to discover if there is enough attraction and shared interests to merit the pursuit of a more serious relationship. It’s really that simple.  This excerpt from group therapy paints the picture.

Michelle, also known as the Dark Angel, asks. “Doesn’t this seem kind of cold?" It’s like I’m thinking I’m so perfect and so arrogant that I can dictate who is good enough to go out with me. If I did that I’d run everybody off.”

Amy, aka Miss Impulsive, responds. “I don’t know Michell, maybe it’s a good thing to run off a guy who isn’t right for you. I’ve had two dates with that guy I met last week. There’s no chemistry match, he’s into sports big time, doesn’t like his mother, and hates his x-wife. This just isn’t a good fit for me. I could go out with him again, but I’m not. Better to release him and myself so we can both move on to a better match.”

Mark, aka Mr. Self, interrupts. “So, Amy, you’re going to dump him because he doesn’t like his mother and his X-wife?”

“No Mark. I’m not dumping him. I just don’t want to get any closer. I admire men who work on their issues and that’s not in his nature. It’s not that I’m better than him. I’m not what he’s looking for and he sure isn’t what I’m looking for.”

Gregory, the Professor, has been watching Amy squirm as she defends her position. He comes to her rescue.
“I understand the concept perfectly Mark. If you were a director in a play, let’s say Romeo and Juliet, and you’d already cast Romeo you’d have to audition numerous Juliet’s to find a match for your Romeo. Some you would call back for another look and others wouldn’t receive a call back. Not that anything was wrong with them. They simply didn’t match your expectations for Juliet. No doubt they would be a good match in a different play.”

Sam, The Shy One, adds. “I feel like I’ve been auditioning for a part in Rocky Horror Picture Show. I really need to think about my traits and what type of person matches me, not how I can match someone else. I want to be the director in my own play. Maybe I’ve found my match with Larry. I just don’t know.”