Jealousy and Polarization in Relationships

Mark and Irene, like so many others, entered their relationship to get something; both had high expectations from the other. Mark has the gift of self-focus, which he describes as the ability to put himself first. His wife Irene has the opposite gift; putting others first. Let's call them Mr.Self and Ms.Giver

Jealosy    When Ms. Giver first dated Mr. Self, she saw his self-focus as self confidence, a gift she lacked. Mr. Self saw Ms. Giver's gift of putting others first as a gift he lacked. Both thought the other had something to give them, making up for their own perceived inadequacies. As happens in many relationships, the very gifts they admired in the other became the source of jealousy.

Polarization occurs as Ms. Giver becomes increasingly other directed, while Mr. Self becomes progressively more self-focused. Each exaggerates their gift, as if to say to the other, “See, this is the right way.” The more polarized they become the more their gifts show their downside or hazzards. Mr.Self's self-focus becomes narcissistic and Ms. Giver’s gift of helping others changes to co-dependency, where she needs to have someone to help in order to feel worthwhile. When both learn to acknowledge and appreciate each other’s gifts they will no longer feel threatened by their differences.

In beginning relationships, gifts are acknowledged and complimented. When gifts are different from ours, we seem to slowly decrease both the quality and frequency of our compliments. Not only can polarization occur, but each will feel invalidated by the other. Gifts are the essence of our personhood and we crave validation. Without validation we are at risk of overdoing our gifts and acting out the hazard side.

Watch out for hazards.

A gift overdone can be a hazard rather than an attribute. Amy, let's call her Ms. Impulsive, has the gift of quick thinking, but many times words jump from her mouth like pop corn in the microwave. Later, she finds herself either defending or apologizing for her impulsive remarks. In her work as a counselor for behaviorally challenged teens, her gift of quick thinking and confrontation of inappropriate behavior is imperative, but does not serve her well with adult friends and relationship partners. Her impulsive remarks mask her gifts of caring and intuitive perceptions.

Gifts and hazards are like two sides of a coin; a gift taken too far flips the coin and now you’re presenting the hazard side. Appropriately expressed gifts flow easily with positive energy drawing positive people toward you, but with a flip of the coin, hazards contain negative energy pushing positive people away.

Today is Monday, April 12, 2010. For the next post, Wednesday April 14, let's look at how relationship skills are formed from our gifts.

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Wishing you happy and fullfilling relationships,


Note: If you are worried about confidentiality for Mark, Irene and Amy, worry no more. I changed their names and used  stock photos to protect their identity.