DEAR DR. B.: Pheromone Driven Sex Machine

topic: pheromone applications
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Q   You wrote that using too much perfume, scented soaps and deodorants interferes with pheromone transfer. My question is about the pheromone perfumes and colognes that we see advertised?  Do they really work to attract the opposite sex as the ads claim? I really want to believe this.
                                    Wanna Be A Sex Machine

A Let’s think this through. Our human bodies naturally ooze pheromones which are responsible for initiating the brain wave transfer with anyone within three feet. Our brains seek a DNA match that is sufficiently different from ours to insure healthy offspring. When a match is found, what we call attraction chemistry occurs. CHEMISTRY AND LOVE Watch out for the brain waves!  explains this instant attraction.

No, pheromone applications are not the aphrodisiac many would like them to be; they are unable to help you find your perfect match. Although the market is flooded with pheromones from various animals, both artificial and natural, it is not logical to think that bear musk, for example, would initiate the brain wave transfer.

And what if a pheromone infused perfume did attract the opposite sex? From my reading of the ads and disclaimers, it sounds as if the industry is trying to trick our body chemistry into thinking we have a match. If everyone’s brain could be deceived into thinking a match was found, the effects could be disastrous. Would men be having nocturnal emissions to dreams of mating with a bear? Would women mate and produce willy-nilly with every man whose scent tricked her into believing he was her perfect match.

Any small effect that pheromone application may have for some is due to their wishful thinking. If one believes that an artificial male hormone added to her perfume will entice men, then she may behave with more confidence which is a trait proven to be attractive to men.

We are all attracted to pleasant scents and we have our favorites in the same way that we have our favorite ice cream. Some cozy up to Shalimar but also cozy up to chocolate ice cream. Lovely scents put us in a light hearted optimistic mood which always goes well with romance. Smelling good and feeling happy? Yes. Pheromone driven sex machine? No.
Extra pheromones are not effective yet you still can win at love.
Dr. B.
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Dr. B

Dear Dr. B: Too Busy to Date

Topic: on-line dating
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Q   Dear Dr. B.
I had a relationship break up a few months ago and now I'm pretty much dateless. I don't meet women at work and I don't have time for dating by trial and error. I tried on-line dating but it didn’t work out for me. I'm considering trying it again but the number and types of sites are overwhelming.
My question is: What do you think of on-line dating and what are the best sites?

                              Dateless and Too Busy

A   Dear Dateless 
Online assisted dating is efficient and a huge time saver. If you’re talking to a potential date online and find you don’t want to pursue further, you simply say, “I’m really not what you are looking for, good luck in your search.” Click.
 
The field has mushroomed with new and exciting possibilities. When you tried online dating in the past, you may have lacked all the information needed to conduct a quality online program. Or maybe you didn’t dedicate sufficient time to work your program. You must take responsibility for both the quality and the quantity of time spent on your program.
 
The two most popular types of on-line dating are General Dating and Matchmaking:
 
General dating is usually free. You post a photo and write a few lines or a short paragraph about yourself and what you hope to find in a date. You have the option of reviewing others' descriptions and photos or sitting back and waiting to see if anyone contacts you. This one isn’t my favorite because it is less likely than the others to find a match. It’s a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack. Also the general dating sites tend to be  plagued with people prone to scamming or initiating unwanted sex talk. Many would-be daters are turned off by general online dating as a way to meet Mr. or Ms. Right.
 
Matchmaking is my favorite for finding a compatible loving relationship at any age and with any interest. In matchmaking you complete a questionnaire designed to match you with people of similar interests, personality and character. You have to pay for the service, but it brings better results than the sites without a questionnaire. Because it does require a fee and completion of an extensive questionnaire it tends to eliminate those who are not serious about finding a quality relationship. Any email to you or from you goes through the company’s server so you don’t have to give out your email address until you think appropriate.
 
The internet is booming with new sights every week so check with Best Dating Sites to stay up to date on the top sites. Match.com and eHarmony are two that I favor as they have been around long enough to have data showing their effectiveness.

Best Dating Sites is a great website for dating articles and up-to-date information on the top matchmaking web sites. You’ll find them listed on my blog role. Currently the top sites are: 
 
1. Match.com
2. eHarmony
3. Perfect Match
4. Chemistry Match 

Best Dating Sites even lets you search for the top sites by Adult, Christian, Gay, Senior, International.

Let me know how this works for you. Remember, you can win at love!
Dr. B
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Dr. B

DEAR DR. B: He Says I’m Too Sensitive

Topic: emotional abuse
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Q Dear Dr. B.,
I read your articles about venting and realize we all need to blow off steam every once in a while. However, my husband goes way beyond venting when he  causes huge scenes in public and at family gatherings. He even calls the kids and me names in front of our friends and family.

When I confront him about his cruel behavior, he either tells me I’m making a mountain out of a mole  hill or that I made it  up. When get upset and cry, he tells me I’m hysterical and asks me why I upset myself.  He even told me I needed to see a psychiatrist. Even when I calmly try to talk about his behavior, he tells me to calm down and acts as if I’m upset when I’m not.

Last night, during a family birthday party, he got in an argument over politics with my sister-in-law. She tried to change the subject but he persisted. He called her an “uneducated stupid bitch” and told her she was as ignorant as me. When my brother stepped in, my husband said the “whole dam family is nuts,” swept up the kids, and took us all home.

This morning I wanted  to talk about it and he said I was imagining things, that they simply had a little spirited political discussion. I know this, by itself, isn’t so bad but all the times add up in my mind and are feeling pretty heavy right now. He says I can’t let go of anything. How should I look at this? It feels abusive, but he’s never hit me. Well, he’s threatened to but hasn’t. Am I right to feel abused? What should I do?
                                
                                   Feeling Crazy
                                                  
A   Dear Feeling,
I am so sorry that you and your family is going through this. Husband is being emotionally abusive and he, in fact, fits one of the categories of emotional abuse to a tee.  He is a “Perception  Denier.”

Bad enough that he is causes big scenes and treats you and the children badly. Even worse  is his behavior of denying your perceptions of his behavior. Does he cause the children to cry and then chastise them for crying? Does he do the old “I’ll give you something to cry about” routine?

Here’s a definition of emotional abuse that I’d like you to keep in mind: Emotional abuse is when one causes another emotional pain and then denies or punishes any expression of that pain. This can happen occasionally in any family without any long-term effects but when it occurs as a pattern over years it takes it’s toll in wrecking self-esteem and filling the abused with self doubt.

Here are characteristics that many Perception Deniers share:

Perception Deniers

• Accuse their partners of being too sensitive.
• Promise to do things and then says he or she never promised.
• Cause big scenes and accuses their partners of exaggerating.
• Acts too interested in their partner’s emotional life and says  he or she should see a psychiatrist.
• Accuse their partners of upsetting themselves.
• Make lists of their partner’s faults and wants to help them fix what’s wrong.
• When approached for a rational talk about the problem they accuse their partners of being upset when they are not.

You need to know that you are not crazy and that you are not over-reacting. I’m sure you walk on egg shells to avoid the inevitable blow ups but if any thing, you are under-reacting by letting his abuse continue and by allowing it to affect your children.  Your children will either identify with you by walking through life on egg shells or will identify with HUSBAND by  being verbally abusive in their relationships.

The two of you together need marriage counseling and he may need domestic violence counseling. You go first. Go to a mental health professional and tell him or her what you told me. You will receive the help and support you need to hopefully get him into counseling with you. With any luck he will join you but don’t wait. Do it now.

Let me know how things go for you and remember-- you can win at love.
Dr. B
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Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

DEAR DR. B: Venting or Raging?

topic: couple's communication
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Q   Dear Dr. B,.

My partner frequently rants at me and the kids. I tell him it isn’t right but he says it’s only venting and that I have no reason to take it personally. I try but it hurts my feelings. When I was growing up, my parents never showed us any negative feelings so this is hard on me. We are both readers and want to know...
What is a vent and is it abusive?
                                                Uneasy Listener
 
A   Dear Uneasy
We all need a way to release the built-up pressures of random thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we just have to take a deep breath, open our mouths and let it all out. Comparing a human vent to a mechanical vent may help.

Let’s examine the vent on a dryer. If you go behind the house and observe this vent, you will see hot air coming out of a tube about the size of your neck. If you block the vent with your hand, you can possibly be burned. Notice the lint particles propelled into the yard by the force of the vent. If you tried to knit a sweater from the random particles, people would wonder about your sanity.
A human vent is the same--hot air and random particles of thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if a person is venting to let off steam or if they are being abusive. Check out these venting ground rules to see if the venting in your family appropriately let’s off steam or if it is perhaps a rage attack that is abusive to the listener.

Let me know if this information on venting helps. Also check out an earlier post on venting, Does Venting Help or Hurt Your Relationship? Remember, you can win at love.
Dr. B.
 
VENTING GROUND RULES
Speaker:
1. Tell others you plan to vent.
2. Take a deep breath and start talking.
3. Form is not important; what is important is to get it all out.
4. As you speak, project your random thoughts and emotions past the listener, rather than directly to them.
5. When you run out of words, take a big breath and see if anything else comes out as you exhale.
Listener:
1. If you are not sure if the speaker is venting, ask. “Are you venting or do you want feedback?”
2. Avoid comments or questions because they are both vent blockers. Nods of encouragement and an occasional “uh-huh” and “hmm” are helpful.
3. Refrain from making any judgments about the content.
4. Never use vent content against the speaker.
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Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Dear Dr. B: Not The Right Smell for Me

Topic: pheromones
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Q  Dear Dr. B,
My boyfriend is an all ‘round great guy. Common interests, attractive, fun, loves my family—he has it all. It ought to work except for one problem which is the reason I’m considering breaking up with him. I’m ashamed to say this but…he never smelled right.

My friends say he smells pleasant enough but to me his scent is offensive. I bought him a cologne that I liked and he wears it 24-7 but it’s useless. I feel romantic toward him but when we get close his odor douses any sexual fire I had for him. He’s so great that he doesn’t even mind when I put him off with a “headache.”

I used to think that pheromones were not all that important in humans but now I’m wondering. I’ve dated lots of men who’s scent, especially in close dancing, almost made me swoon. I remember sleeping with a shirt of a boyfriend who left me for someone else—probably for a woman who smelled better. Should I break up with him or wait to see if I can get used to the odor?

                                                                 Sniffer Working Overtime
 
  A     In searching for a compatible match, your biochemistry, with the help of shared brain waves, completes an instantaneous DNA comparison, which helps to identify a mate with an immune system different enough to assure healthy offspring. respond to this match with profound sexual attraction. Pheromones, using the passage of scent, are the catalyst to the entire process. For you, the scent from the pheromones is easily detectable; for others it is a subliminal transfer without an obvious scent. Either way you are indeed describing the impact of pheromones. You can read more on brain wave interaction on a previous blog entitled Chemistry and Love or on the web site of , Helen Fisher leading expert on the chemistry of love.

We used to think humans were exempt from the effects of hormones, but this is not true. In a classic research study, sweaty tee shirts were collected from a group of men following physical activity. Female subjects sniffed each of the shirts, selecting their favorite odor. You won’t be surprised to find that each woman selected a compatible match. If this interests you, check out the you tube video on sweaty t-shirts.

Sounds like Boyfriend is not a match. The fact that “he didn’t mind” when you turned off sexually, suggests that he may feel the same lack of passion. If you desire a a long term relationship that you can commit to for life, then hold out for a DNA match that makes you swoon with passion. Every one with whom you swoon is not going to make a life partner but it’s a necessary first step.

Keep me posted and remember…you can win at love!
.

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Dr. B

Q and A with Dr. B: Third Phase of Love

Q I read your articles about sex drive and romantic love but I don’t think I have either of these very much. I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for over 50 years. Neither of us has much of a sex drive and aren’t worried about it. I don’t even think we have a lot of romance anymore. I know this sounds awful but we are happy and do have something else that keeps us connected. Every night before we go to sleep my husband flops his leg over mine. It’s a wonderful feeling. If he forgets, I find myself stretching my  foot out to find his. Is this weird or what?
                                             Working on a Foot Fetish


A    Not weird at all and certainly not a foot fetish. You have provided a beautiful example of the third stage of love we refer to as attachment. It’s the bonding occurring between two individuals after the chemicals fueling the romantic phase have been exhausted. Fortunately,endorphins released from the contact with your partner provide feelings of well-being and security, so necessary in long term relationships. Sex and even cuddling, hugging, or flopping a foot over your partner’s foot releases these endorphins providing intense feelings of love and attachment. Couples embracing this phase consider themselves to be mated for life.
Many animals have a phase similar to attachment which is seen in certain behaviors such as tail flopping. Lions, while lying quietly together waiting for sleep, tend to flop one tail over the other. Long-term human couples do the same. Now that we have no usable tail, we are destined to flop one leg over our partner’s as a way of preparing for the ritual of sleep. Tail or no tail, it’s still tail flopping behavior and still releases chemicals necessary to long term bonding.
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Hope to hear from you soon,

Dr. B

Q and A with Dr. B: Falling in Love

Q  This girl I’m dating says she's falling in love with me. I have loving feelings for her but I sure don’t feel like I’m falling into anything except a set of expectations I didn’t bargain for. What exactly does “falling in love” mean?
 
A  Romantic love, the second stage of love, is frequently referred to as falling in love.  Associated with the early part of a relationship, romantic love occurs after the pheromone sniffing, the brain wave exchange and after the lust chemicals have saturated your cerebrum. The explosion of chemicals causing intense energy, mood swings, sexual craving and the desire to be sexually possessive is most frequently described as "falling in love."
Increased levels of dopamine, frequently called the pleasure chemical, are responsible for the feeling of euphoria and the intense craving similar to addiction. In this stage, love is blind; and you are oblivious to flaws in your partner. Romantic love is irrational and a tremendous energy expenditure. Fortunately it doesn’t last forever. If it did, we’d all die of exhaustion.
 
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Dr. B

Q and A with Dr. B: Friends Say I Want To Isolate

Q   I recently suffered  a relationship break up and my friends are urging me to get out more. They say I’m isolating.  I work from home so I don’t see people at work and I ‘m not going out after work. Right now that’s okay by me.  I’m in no mood to be interested in a new partner. In fact, I feel devastated. My friends want me to talk it all out but, right now, I just can’t. What’s wrong with taking a break?
                                                         Isolating in Iowa
A   I understand that you want to take a break from dating, but don’t take a break from people. The subconscious electro-chemical communication occurring with anyone within close proximity shows us that we need others to help regulate our body systems. We are not self-regulating. Sometimes just being out with people seems to energize us, even if we don’t engage in conversation. When you stroll beside strangers in the mall, work out at the gym, or stand in line at the check-out, your brain waves practice their unique program of information exchange. You don’t have to date or even have long chats with your friends. Just get out and about… with people. Do this and you will receive the energy you need to start talking with your friends. Let me know how this works for you.
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Dr. B

Q and A with Dr. B: Looking for Lust

 
Q   Please explain the phenomenon of lust. Does it have anything to do with sex drive?
                       Wondering about Lust
 
A   The terms lust and sex drive can be used interchangeably. Like a 747 revving up for full throttle at lift off, estrogen, the female hormone, and testosterone, the male hormone, keep you in constant readiness to search for and accept a match. When brain waves cross and a match is found, it’s like getting the take off command from traffic control. Feelings of lust pervade your consciousness as the neurotransmitter, phenyl ethylamine (PEA), floods the brain when initial sexual attraction occurs. Studies of two people with mutual attraction found both to have high levels of PEA. Also found in chocolate, PEA produces the loving feeling reported when chocolate is ingested.The experience of lust gives you a strong push in the direction of a relationship but once a relationship is established, romantic love keeps you there.
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Hope to hear from you soon,

Dr. B

Q and A with Dr. B: I Don’t Like My Husband.

Q I love my husband but I don't like him as much as I used to. He says I only see his faults and none of his gifts…and maybe that's true. According to him, I'm even negative with some of my long-term friends. I feel like he might be right and I'm afraid I'm pushing him away. I've tried to keep my mouth shut but then I explode with another nasty comment.

                                          "I'm Pushing Him Away"

 A When your relationship was new, I'm sure you graciously acknowledged and complimented Husband's gifts. But, over the years, you grew to resent and eventually become critical of the very gifts you once admired but were unable to acquire. Consequently, you slowly decreased both the quality and frequency of your compliments. You are not alone. Almost every relationship develops this phenomenon, but it can be turned around. All it takes is focus and attention, which you are currently using to identify and criticize his faults. When you switch your focus and attention to his gifts instead of his faults, you will resusitate your romance. 

Gifts are the essence of our personhood and we crave validation for who we are. When a person lacks validation, they can overdo their gifts and create a fault. For example, if you are a neat person and you stop receiving compliments on this trait, you will subconsciously drive yourself to become compulsive about being neat. It's as if you are saying to your partner, "See, this is the right way." If Husband is a casual kind of guy, he'll become even more casual to the point of becoming a slob. The dreaded polarization occurs and you become even more critical.

The cure is to look for and compliment Husband's gifts, especially the ones that differ from your own. It will change your entire outlook on your relationship. Give yourself and Husband the respect of identifying and complimenting his intrinsic assets, not the ones you hope he has, but the ones he actually has. You'll be happier in life when you apply this solution to everyone. Look for and compliment the gifts in others, especially those that differ from yours. Let me know how this works for you.
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Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B

Q and A with Dr. B: Is sex on a public beach okay?

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Q   I went out on a "casual date" a few weeks ago. After dinner the man said he wanted me to take off my underwear, walk with him on the beach and have sex…in the open! I wasn't ready for that, and turned him down. Now I wish I hadn't. Is it okay to call him and say I changed my mind?

                                  “Asking for an Encore”

A   It all depends on your dating goals. If you were hoping to find a meaningful long-term committed relationship, this isn't your guy. No man who cares about a future with you would ask you to put yourself in a risky position. Having to call your family for bail over charges of public indecency or worse is not conducive to future romance.

If you were hoping to find a friend with benefits relationship, he was no friend to put you in such a situation. Taking risks by having sex in unusual places with a possibility of discovery does enhance sexuality but a public beach on a first date is too much. Consider starting with elevators. The security officer and his friends will be the only ones to see.

If you are experienced with anonymous encounters or hook ups, I understand why you may want to try again. But, you sound as though you are not. The moment is gone and you are safe. Forget it and move on.

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Hope to hear from you soon,Dr. B

Q and A with Dr. B: Widow misses sex and companionship

Q   I was widowed three years ago after a 40 year happy marriage. I miss sex and companionship but I'm nervous about internet dating. What if I find someone who is not what he presents himself to be?
                Needy But Nervous

A   Matchmaking is a great method for finding a compatible loving relationship at any age and with any interest. In matchmaking you complete a questionnaire designed to match you with people of similar interests, personality and character. You have to pay for the service, but it brings better results than the sites without a questionnaire. Because it does require a fee and completion of an extensive questionnaire it tends to eliminate those who are not serious about finding a quality relationship. Any email to you or from you goes through the company’s server so you don’t have to give out your email address until you think appropriate.

The internet is booming with new sights every week so use your search function to stay up to date on the top sites. Match.com and eHarmony are two that I favor as they have been around long enough to have data showing their effectiveness.

Most men realize that women feel more vulnerable and are quick to provide you information to show that they are really who they say they are. If after a few rounds of chatting, he doesn't provide you with a way to check him out, he is no gentleman. You will want to politely decline further interaction.When you do find a man with whom you feel comfortable and agree to meet, be sure to take another couple with you for a "double date." If he objects, he is not right for you and you need to click him off.

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Hope to hear from you soon,
Dr. B